Is There a Such Thing As Being "Too Picky" When It Comes to Your Love Life?
In the wonderful world of dating, we may find ourselves asking, "Will I ever find the one?" or, "Am I being too picky?" It's hard to have answers to these questions, however, it's important to also have standards for yourself, and know what qualities you're looking for in a partner.
But where is the line between having preferences and being "too picky?" Does holding out for someone who checks all your boxes limit your chances of finding meaningful connections, or is it just smart dating?
The answer isn't straightforward. There is a fine line between standards and being too selective.
Why Standards Matter
Having standards is not only necessary, but is healthy! You don't want to settle for the first person who gives you the desired attention. Without standards, you run the risk of settling into relationships that do not fill your needs.
Having values and qualities you look for in a partner helps ensure that the relationship will be a good fit. This could include similar life goals, communication styles, and lifestyle choices that align with your own. By setting standards, you prevent yourself from wasting time with people who don't meet your needs.
However, there is a difference between having standards based on what's truly important for long-term compatibility, and having other, more superficial desires.
When Picky Becomes "Too Picky"
Sometimes, the bar for dating may be set so high that no one can meet it. This may be a sign that someone is "too picky." People who are overly selective may focus more on physical looks, occupations, income, or unrealistic lifestyles.
How do you know if you are too picky?
Focusing on the Superficial
Of course, being attracted to someone is important, but putting too much emphasis on physical appearance can be limiting. If you find yourself rejecting people based on minor features (height, weight, hair color, body type), it might be time to reassess how these relate to long-term happiness.
Seeking Perfection
No one is perfect, and expecting your ideal partner to check every single one of your boxes can lead to disappointment. It's important to know that while your partner may not be "perfect" in every way, they can still be perfect for you.
Unrealistic Expectations
Relationships can often be romanticized into something they are not. Remember, movie relationships are not real! Having a partner is not going to look like it does on television. If you are holding onto an expectation that couples never fight, or that every gesture must be a grand one in order to prove love, you may find yourself often feeling dissatisfied.
Not Giving People a Chance
If you find yourself dismissing potential partners too quickly over minor flaws or awkwardness, you might be overlooking some great people. Genuine connections take time to develop. Being too quick to reject means you may be missing out on real, emotional connections.
How to Find Balance
If you are worrying about being too picky, take a step back and assess what's really important in a relationship. Core values, morals, happiness, connection, and being treated right are some things to reflect on.
Define Your Non-Negotiables
Clarify what you absolutely need in a relationship, such as honesty, respect, or emotional availability. These are what's considered "non-negotiables," meaning that if someone does not meet these needs, they are not for you.
Emotional Connection
Chemistry and emotional intimacy often mean more than how much money a person makes or how tall they are. Focus more on how a person makes you feel, and how well you connect on a deeper level.
Flexibility
Be open to meeting all kinds of people, even those who don't fit into every box. The most fulfilling relationships come from unexpected places.
If you notice your pickiness getting in the way of your love life, it may be helpful to seek guidance from a therapist to see how to overcome these barriers. Schedule a session for couples counseling today!