How to Work Through Insecurity with Your Partner

Insecurity, while an uncomfortable feeling, is a pretty common experience in relationships. Jealously, fear of abandonment, and a constant need for reassurance are often signs of relationship insecurity. These feelings can stem from many different past experiences, and although it can strain a relationship, it does not need to define it. Addressing these feelings is important for the longevity and success of the relationship.

Understanding the Causes of Insecurity

Photo of a Woman Talking to a Man in a Brown Shirt

1. Past Experiences: Previous relationships where trust was broken can have a lasting impact. If you have been cheated on, lied to, or emotionally manipulated or neglected, it is natural to carry those fears into future relationships.

2. Attachment Styles: According to a theory known as Attachment Theory, the way we relate to our primary caregivers as children can influence our relationships as adults. For example, an anxious attachment may make you more likely to develop insecurities, as you constantly fear rejection and abandonment.

3. Low Self-Esteem: When you don't feel confident in yourself, it's easy to project these worries onto your partner. You might question why your partner is with you, why they like you, or fear that they will eventually leave for someone "better."

4. Lack of Communication: Poor or little communication in relationships can increase insecure feelings. When partners are not on the same page, actions and behaviors start to become misinterpreted.

Steps to Work Through Insecurity

Open Communication

The foundation of any healthy relationship is openly discussing issues and fears.

  • Start by sharing your insecurities with your partner.

  • Be open about your fears and how they affect you. Try not to criticize or blame your partner for how you feel.

  • Use "I" statements to express yourself.

    • Example: "I sometimes feel insecure because I fear that I am losing you."

  • Encourage your partner to share their insecurities as well. Understanding one another can help you feel more connected.

Build Trust Gradually

Trust is not built overnight; it's a process that requires patience and effort from both partners. Focus on:

  • Reliability: Follow through on promises and commitments made to each other. Show that your partner can rely on you and that you are dependable.

  • Transparency: Be open about your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Do not hide or keep secrets from one another. It only fuels insecurity.

  • Empathy: Show understanding and compassion for your partner's feelings. When they express insecurities, listen without judgment and offer support.

Challenge Negative Thoughts

Insecurity feeds off of negative thoughts. You might find yourself thinking,

  • "They're going to leave me."

  • "I am not good enough for them."

  • They will find someone better than me."

These thoughts create what's called a "self-fulfilling prophecy, " which means you act in a way that will actually push your partner away. To change this thought process, ask yourself:

  • "What evidence do I have for this thought?"

  • "Is there another, more positive explanation?"

  • "Am I feeling a certain way that are triggering these thoughts?"

There are techniques that can be learned in therapy that are very helpful in challenging negative thoughts and constructing more positive ones.

Create a Space for Vulnerability

A key part of working through insecurities is allowing yourself to be vulnerable.

  • Share your fears, desires, and needs with your partner.

  • Create a safe space by refraining from judgement, distractions, or dismissal.

  • Try to manage feelings of resentment or defensiveness. If you feel overwhelmed, take a break.

  • Validate one another, practice empathy, and work towards solutions.

Seek Professional Help

Sometimes, insecurities are so engrained in our beliefs that it is too difficult to work through them alone. If you find that these insecurities are significantly impacting your relationships, seek help from a mental health professional. Couples therapy can provide a safe space for exploring issues and finding healthier ways to relate to each other. If you are curious about learning more, schedule an appointment with one of our therapists today!

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