4 Ways to Engage in Healthy Conflict with Your Partner
Whether we want to admit it or not, conflict occurs in all relationships. Sometimes people disagree, but it’s how you move past it that determines the course of a relationship.
What’s important to note is that throughout this article, when we mention healthy conflict or conflict in general, this is only referring to verbal disagreements or arguments. At no point is physical conflict okay or acceptable.
The key is that you and your partner can communicate in a healthy way and effective way. This will allow you to have a mutual understanding and help strengthen your relationship.
Common Causes of Conflict
Probably the most common cause of conflict is having different beliefs, values, priorities, or personalities than your partner.
Another can include trying to resolve instead of managing differences. If it’s not something that’s a dealbreaker, it’s better to agree to disagree and manage the differences
A lot of couples run into conflict when one person tries to change the other person. This will rarely — if ever — work. You need to decide if you can handle the differences or not. You also need to determine how the changes you want your partner to make will impact both of you.
Difference Between Healthy and Unhealthy Conflict
Types of Healthy Conflict:
The key to dealing with miscommunications is how you handle them. These conflicts should make you and your partner feel connected, heard, and understood. It can be helpful to use “I” statements instead of “you.” An example of this would be “I felt upset when this happened,” instead of saying “You did this to me, and it bothered me.”
Listen to your partner's perspective. They could help change your perspective which helps with compromise.
Types of Unhealthy Conflict:
This occurs when negativity in a discussion or disagreement outnumbers the positive aspects. These negative aspects include contempt, gaslighting, stonewalling, criticism, or being overly defensive.
Another unhealthy conflict is when you or your partner have a physical or overtly emotional response to what happens in a conversation. This includes: crying, panic or anxiety attacks, getting red from rage or frustration, or you mentally check out from what’s happening. For some, you have increased heart rates.
When this part of the conversation occurs, it’s usually when the most painful and hurtful moments happen.
4 Ways to Engage in Healthy Conflict
1. Use “I Feel” Statements.
These can be used to open the door to resolution. Stating how you feel, shows you are being honest without being defensive. State how you feel about the conflict by describing what’s upsetting you or did upset you without being judgmental. It's important to clearly explain to your partner what you need from them.
2. Realize You Can Agree to Disagree
There will inevitably be topics that you and your partner just don’t agree on. It could seem like the best bet is to force each other to think the way you do. It’s important to allow each other to have the freedom to be individuals. The key is to be respectful when differences of opinion occur.
3. Apologize and Be Accountable
It’s sometimes hard to say sorry, but it’s important to apologize without blaming the other person. When making the apology, try saying exactly what you’re apologizing for instead of saying you’re sorry for “your part.” This can lead to bigger issues.
4. Share Your Needs Going Forward
Apologizing can be very empty if you’re just saying you’re sorry and not actively working on how to improve. It's important to communicate what you need in the future. Do this without being accusatory or putting all blame on your partner.
Talk to a Therapist
If you're still struggling with healthy communication, a therapist can help. Sometimes a third party is just what you need to help resolve conflicts with your partner. Reach out today to schedule a session for couples therapy.
