Couples Therapy: What Happens When You Fight?
Therapy is a safe and judgment-free space where couples can come to address and overcome their relationship issues. Counseling, however, is just the first step, and it is not always easy. It is common that couples can find themselves in disagreements during counseling sessions. What happens when you fight, and what may this mean for the relationship?
Is Fighting Normal?
Arguing is a normal part of the therapeutic process, just as it is in normal, healthy relationships. No one is going to always agree with their partners. When discussing issues in therapy, these disagreements may become more present, so it can feel like the fighting is happening more. In fact, arguing with a third party present may actually help with the resolution.
A mental health professional will be able to observe communication patterns and toxic or unhealthy behaviors. They will be able to point these out, and help find ways to work on presenting issues. It can feel a little nerve-wrecking to fight in front of your therapist, but it is important to be authentic and real. Professionals will never judge or criticize you; they are here to help and are qualified to handle disagreements between couples, no matter how intense they become.
How to Handle Fights in the Moment
While fighting may be inevitable during sessions, here are some ways to manage intense emotions in the moment so the fight does not escalate.
Take a Step Back
If you start to feel overwhelmed, take a second and pause the conversation. It will do neither person any good to continue a rather heated argument. Take a break if needed, breathe, grab water, and resume when you feel calm. Reflect on the emotions felt in the moment and have your therapist help you identify the root cause of the issue. Take the time to try and understand the other person's perspective.
Practice Active Listening
Give your partner your full, undivided attention. Refrain from interrupting them, try to summarize their responses, and ask for clarification if you misunderstand. Effective communication and listening techniques help deescalate intense situations, and practicing these skills with a therapist present will allow the knowledge to sink in.
Avoid Blaming
When fights occur, it can be easy to play the blame game. We want the other person to know how they made us feel. Blaming, however, will not help the conflict. It will only increase defensiveness and stonewalling. Try using "I" statements about how you are feeling. "I feel angry because..." instead of "you make me angry because..."
Patience and Commitment
Remember, therapy is not a one and done process. It takes multiple sessions, some in which may cause unpleasant emotions. You must remain patient and commit to the therapy process. Do not be discouraged by the fighting taking place. It is a part of healing and ways to overcome obstacles in the relationship. Trust in your counselor and each other to make the relationship work. If you have any concerns, vocalize them to professionals and your partner.
When to Seek Couples Counseling
Most people think that couples seek help once they have hit their breaking point. Whether it's constant arguing, discovering an affair, or threats of leaving, there is always something that causes the pair to seek professional help. It is important to remember that a crisis is not needed in order to engage counseling services. In fact, preventative care can help the relationship never reach a breaking point.
Learning active listening, effective communication techniques, and problem-solving skills can be extremely beneficial before any major situations arise. Talks with your partner and see if they would be interested in trying a few sessions. It is never too late to seek help. Reach out today for couples therapy.